Dear Leo,

This was my second Mother's Day, but it was the first in which I had a child to celebrate with. A living child that is.

Last year, at this time, I was celebrating both Mother's Day and my birthday on the same day - talk about a slap in the face. How can I celebrate my birth on a day where I'm just reminded of your death?

This year, I thought it would be different of course. I now have your little brother Xavier with me. I have a baby to touch and hold, to kiss and hug. It's easier to love someone that you can see and touch. Don't get me wrong; I love you too Leo but it's a more challenging kind of love because I can't show it to you and I don't know if you'll ever know or understand how much I love you.

So on Mother's Day this year, I woke up happy, holding your little brother in my arms and thanking the heavens for his life. I did want to honor you too, so I took Xavier to the picture frame that holds your picture and told him "let's say hi to your big brother Leo". I kissed your picture and broke down. How unfair is it that I am stuck kissing an inanimate object instead of your cheeks? That is not enough for me, kissing your picture is simply not enough.

I was surprise at my reaction, to be honest. I haven't cried for you in a while. Perhaps your little brother has been taking all of my focus...or perhaps I have just been feeling stronger these days. I don't know what happened, but the tears just came and I let them flow. It was a weird feeling. At one moment I was happy having a nice brunch, opening my gifts...and the next I was feeling sad that you weren't here. It's not normal to cry on Mother's Day, I know...but it also doesn't feel normal to be celebrating it without you.

I know it's a little unfair to your brother that I'm sad. This year, he doesn't quite understand much yet, but I certainly don't want him to see me sad in the years to come when he celebrates this day with me. To be honest Leo, I'm not sure how I will feel next year or 10 years from now. I will always miss you, that's for sure. Perhaps it will be easier to spend Mother's Day without you down the road...perhaps it won't.

I sometimes dream of you and your brother making a mess in the kitchen, trying to prepare me a Mother's Day breakfast....but that day will never come. What's also messed up is that if you were here with us today, your brother might not be. I guess that the present scenario is the only way that I could be a mom to both of you.

You are the one who first made me a mother. I hope that somehow you can feel the love that I have for you.

Mom