In the baby loss community, a rainbow baby is a baby that is born following a loss (miscarriage, stillbirth, neo-natal death, etc.). Well, my rainbow is here! Welcome to the world my sweet little Xavier!

I kept this pregnancy pretty quiet. It's been quite a roller-coaster ride, with lots of fear, stress, anxiety...First, came the struggle of getting pregnant. I was incredibly impatient and every failed attempt knocked me down and came with a dangerous amount of self-pity.

Then, it happened. In July, I finally read the word "pregant" on the digital pregancy test. This time, the pregnancy was so different. We were excited, of course, but cautious. We, unfortunately knew all too well, that pregnancy doesn't necessarily equal baby. The doctors make you wait weeks before the first appointment. Those weeks are so difficult. I had no way of knowing if my baby was alive. When we went to the first dr appointment, my first question was "is there a heartbeat?". I never doubted that when I was expecting Leo. When the ultrasound showed a healthy heartbeat and a normal fetus, tears of happiness and relief came rolled donw my cheeks. And then I told myself in an encouraging tone "alright, another 30-something weeks to go".

Every appointment, every medical test, every lab result came with a sense of worry first and then relief. I refused to buy this new little baby anything - in fact, my first purchase for him came only a week before he was born. I didn't want to risk purchasing a bunch of items and then being stuck with a room full of baby stuff but no baby to use any of that stuff. And that is why I refused a baby shower. In a way, it may not make much sense, but so much of what we went through makes no sense....so I don't feel I needed to explain myself to all those that looked at me incredulously saying "you haven't bought anything yet?"

We also decided to only share the news of the pregnancy with the few friends and family who were really there for us when we lost Leo. Of course, at one point, we couldn't hide it from people who saw me regularly...but our friends and family who don't live in our city only heard about it when we announced Xavier's birth. When Leonardo passed away, I had to make a few painful phone calls and explain to people that my baby died in my arms. Those phone calls were so difficult and I had to do it over and over again. And it wasn't just the phone calls... people would send me messages (email, Facebook, text) or stop me on the streets and ask "so, how's that baby doing?" It was a good day when I was able to answer that question without falling apart. So, it felt right to us to only share the news with those who we knew we could depend on if things were to go south again....

I coped with much of my stress and fears by attending a Pregnancy After Loss (PALS) support group. I had met some of those ladies in the Parent Support group that I used to attend prior to this second pregnancy. I love the women in the PALS group....they understood me like no one else and reassured me when I thought I was going crazy. The wonderful thing about the group too is that 5 of us were expecting and due between March and June 2015. To date, 3 of the 5 have given birth to beautiful and healthy babies. Thank God! :)

So here I am, with a beautiful newborn in my arms. When he was born, I immediately compared him to Leo...he didn't look much like him and in fact, I think Leo had much finer and cuter features. But there are times, that I see Leo in Xavier. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I think I want them to look alike so that I can have a sense of what Leo would have looked like had he lived. But I know that it's unfair for me to expect Xavier to be like his older brother.

Xavier was born 24 days before his due date. Fortunately, he was strong and weight enough to not need to be placed in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). We were told that he had jaundice and though that's pretty common, I had a little freaking out moment where I completely lost it and feared for my child's life. I suspect I will react that way whenever something goes a little wrong.

Bringing Xavier home was a huge milestone for us. Finally, we get to bring a baby home! He is precious and whenever I look at him, my heart fills with so much love. I hope that I can be a good mother to him despite my continuous journey grieving for Leo.