My sweet Leo,

It has been way too long since I last wrote to you. I often think of you and of all the things I want to tell you, but these days, I seldom find the time to sit down and just be with you.

So much has happened in the last few months. Your little brother is now 6 months old and he is precious, just like you. Seeing him discover the world brings me so much joy but it also makes me wonder if you would have been the same. Would you laughed if I squeezed your thighs like your brother does? Would you drooled non-stop over my shirt like your brother does? Would you have had a beautiful smile like him?

I've said this before and it is still true: grief is such a complicated feeling. I know your little brother wouldn't be here if you had survived - yet, I can't help but wish I had both of you with me right now.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month. There's lots of things on social media these days - many of the loss friends I have met in the support group are posting about their journey of grief and healing. Last year, I posted every single day. I wanted people to be aware that infant loss happens, I wanted them to know how to help others. I still do. But somehow, want to talk less about losing you and more about having you in my life.

I finally put a picture of you on my desk at work. You're in a white frame, right beside a picture of your brother. So far, only one person has asked me about you. I want to be able to tell others: "This is Leo, my first born". I want to tell them that you were born and not just that you have died.

Your birthday is coming up and I'm starting to get a little nervous. I can't believe it has almost been 2 years. You would have been 2 - a little toddler running around. That thought makes me smile. Your dad is going to be on a business trip on your birthday. I initially thought it would be alright, but I'm having second thoughts. I'm not sure how it will be to 'celebrate' you without him. Your maternal grandma will be here though and I have taken the day off work. Last year we invited 20 friends and had a gathering of love. This year, I think I want it to be quiet, but I would still like to do something special for you, my little boy. There will be no balloons, cake, gifts, bouncy houses - but there will be lots of love, I promise you that.

You know Leo, it's true that the pain has been a little easier to manage. I can go weeks without crying - but when there's not a day that goes by without me thinking about you.

I love you,

Mommy