Dearerst Leo,

Today was your second birthday, which sadly coincides with your 2nd death anniversary. I took the day off work because I was not too sure how I would feel.

The day was pretty nice actually. Having your brother with me does make this day easier. Him and I spent a nice day doing lots of activities. He kept me busy, he kept me happy and smiling. Your dad is out of town this week, which worried me. I didn't want to spend the day alone - but I didn't. Your grandma and little brother were here with me. In the evening, I bought you a cupcake, we lit two candles and Xavier and I blew them out for you. We also lit a candle by your picture frame.

But I think the most special moment was at around 9:15pm, when your little brother woke up. You passed away at 9:21 Leo...well, that's what it says on your certificate, but I know you actually passed away a little before that. I was holding you in my arms and I remember hearing your last breath. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I have a feeling your little brother woke up to spend some time with me, knowing I needed him to be with me.

Together, we looked at your picture book. It's sad to see some of your pictures, to see how small, fragile and helpless you were. Tears were streaming down my face, but Xavier kept looking at me and putting his hand on my cheek. Isn't that amazing for a 7-month old? I gotta say Leo, you have a wonderful little brother and I have a feeling he can feel you somehow.

I wanted to make today special but here I am at the end of the day and I feel I haven't done enough to honor you. How do you celebrate a son that has passed? I'm still trying to figure it out. I also wanted to take the time to write to you here on the blog, but I don't feel I'm doing such a great job.

Leo, all I really want you to know is that you are missed and you are loved. Of course I wish you were here blowing out your candles on your own; but you can't. So all I can do is hope that you are looking down on us and smiling. I hope you can feel our love for you.

Happy birthday my love,

Maman