Dearest Leo,

It's been a while since I've written to you. Things got a little better for me and it was good to have a little happiness and excitement in my life. I started a new job and it all feels like a new beginning, a fresh start, an opportunity for more good things.

But this week, I've thought a lot about you. I woke up yesterday just wanting to cry. I don't know why...it could be that I'm being asked more than ever if I have kids. New job means new colleagues who are trying to get to know me...and of course, they ask if I have children. I sometimes say no...and then feel horrible about lying, about denying your existence, about not sharing you with the world. Sometimes, I say yes but that is followed by "but he passed away 13 months ago". People say "I'm sorry, it must have been hard" and I just nod and say "yes, it still is". And the conversation comes to a screeching halt. Will that question ever get easier?

What's the right answer? I've asked a few of my bereaved friends and everyone has their own way of dealing with the situation. Some say "I have a child in heaven", others angrily answer "my son is dead" or share their stories...or deny it all. I don't think there is a right answer. As much as I hate lying when answering what otherwise should be such a simple question, I don't feel like everyone is ready or deserving of hearing about you. But at the same time, you're such an important part of me, that denying your existence is like lying about my own identity. I just don't know what to handle this yet.